Body Image: What Do You Think About This Topic?
I’m gonna share something personal. Something came up with my lover recently while we were having sex. I realized that I wasn’t as fit as I had been in the sense that I wasn’t strong enough to do a certain move.
Long story short, I said to him “Oh I think I need I need to get a pilates or something because I haven’t worked out all year. And He made a really quick offhand comment and it really triggered me, really activated me.
So he said, “Oh yeah, Pilates is good for toning like it really tones you up.”
And I was activated, fired up! And I said, No, I’m not doing it with the intention of toning. I’m very deliberately not doing it or going into it and going into working out and moving with the intention of “toning up”. I don’t actually give a f*ck about that. I have a very good reason for rewiring — because it was going on in me for a very long time, actually since I was 15. And its under the guise of toning up. That is had never been good enough, to slim enough, tight enough, perfect enough. And if I had agreed with him saying, oh yeah it’s good for toning up, while actually what happened for me was a number of things. I was like if I take again what they’re saying like this is sexy, this is hot — this will be an aspect of that wants to be that so that I am sexy, I am desirable, I’m attractive for them. However, I should be really on guard that stuff like:
I need to tone so that means am I not toned enough?
If I am toned now, what happens if I’m not toned? Will I suddenly become not sexy, not attractive, not desirable?
There are always things that came up. And I am so protective of my mind, being, body, and sense of well-being and sense of being comfortable in my skin. It’s really deep claiming, “Hey, I’m okay with what I am, where am at and it is my body the way it is.” I don’t need to be something else in order for me to be comfortable, to feel sexy, to feel beautiful.
That’s a really deep process especially as women have hormones fluctuating, throughout the month, every week is a different hormone and it’s changing the way our bodies are whether the holy water retaining water, puffier, sometimes sensitive or sometimes we’re feeling more athletic, more on the get-up and go.
Having that kind of mindset, Oh yes this is the approval of what is toned and fit — NO! I am super protective of my being on what goes into my head, what comes into my eyes, and what I allow in comments, and in conversation. I know that my subconscious mind is absorbing everything whether I know it or not.
So if I go along in a conversation where people are talking negatively about their bodies, the way that they’re shaped, or its just not enough — I go along and comply with that conversation in a glance, my compliance can be silenced as well.
By me doing that, what I’m actually doing is saying to my own self, “Ah yes, that’s what you need to do in order to feel good enough, sexy, and your body and being Is okay”. And this kind of thinking may let you believe that this is the way to be attractive or a lover. This can equal me being lovable and if “THIS” surface, this physical is not how my society or whoever on my surface sees me, I can be rejected. Like oooooh wow! I need to have a fierce protective NO in that kind of conversation. And the main reason why I want to go into that is that I want to go is because I love to be strong, I love having that strength in my core, my legs, to have strength in the dance floor for hours, have the strength to have fantastic lovemaking, being strong in my mind — I love that feeling and that needs a DELIBERATE REWIRING.
So I just wanted to share this because this is something that I have been reflecting on and I also feel vulnerable about sharing it because I thought, well, if it feels vulnerable it’s the way to go and I have to lean into that.
To be continued…
