Boundaries Babes… What Does That Actually Look Like?
Teddi: Hello everybody! So, we're going live this is exciting, some people joining, yay! Have a little wave. Hi, these are my friends Sigrid Tasies and Kate Nelson. Hi and we've all been talking about boundaries, probably a week, really yeah. I'm doing my group healing program confidence of a queen and this week it's been about boundaries for all the women there and Sigrid was doing a bonus session for everyone. We've just joined on Kate we're just quickly saying hi.
Kate: Hi guys welcome, today we are going live, we're talking about boundaries, I'm here with Teddi and Sigrid and we are just yeah, Teddi was just introducing the subject so…
Teddi: Yeah, we've just been doing refilling program confidence of the queen and we've been discussing boundaries and what that actually looks like Sigrid is a really deep friend of mine and an amazing coach and she did a bonus session for all the women. And was just because she is someone that I see really embody boundaries and feel very at ease and like come from a space of love with putting them up, yeah, I just guess like maybe do to like share like some tips because we were talking about it, you know, it's something that we're growing in as well and it's just, it's hard and it's hard to really hard.
Kate: And we something that I'm, it comes up over and over especially when you're dealing with business and being a woman and trying to, trying to negotiate business deal work for both of you and like is this my ego? What is coming up for me? Why am I struggling to feel good about this conversation or feel good about what we're talking about or where we're going and figured out how to touch great advice for me around getting clear about what I want so that you can create a boundary. When I think that that comes up these boundary things come up and all relationships, not just business but are like you know romantic and friendship it's just so clear, yeah, getting clear about what you want.
Sigrid: And I think that's a first step so we can't draw boundary if we don't know where we want to draw it, it doesn't like you know, so when we go out into the wall whether it's business or relationships, friendships, if we're not clear on what it is that we need and what it is that we want and why we don't really have a good enough reason to draw a boundary, first of all we don't not wear or how to draw it, but also drawing boundaries sometimes at first, when we, when it's more familiar not to, can be awkward or challenging and it can make us feel uncomfortable so in order to to feel comfortable with that and to to get to actually do it, we need to have a good enough reason. So it's important to know what we want and why is that important to me. Okay, there's a boundary that needs to be drawn but where and why is so important that that boundary needs honored so that's something that, I believe it and I see it with my clients, I used to see with myself a lot is that we are just not enough in touch with that. So let’s start by owning that space and creating that space to inquire what do I need and why is it so important for me with business with relationships with friendships with everything with myself what's the time that i need to dedicate to myself. How do I want to treat myself and why, why is it costing me not to do so?
Teddi: I think that's really important because what of a way one of the things that I tell the women in the program is you know when a boundary spin over cross because anger comes up and that's like the little watchman guarding the boundaries of like a palace or a castle, he's like hey no, but often that's been suppressed because it's not okay for women to feel angry so it like sizzles under the surface and it might look like irritation, agitation, frustration, or it can become like cold anger where it's like resentful and it's, it can come out in like little backlashes or like you know like giving someone the cold shoulder and stuff like that so, first of all, like feel when a boundary is being over crossed and actually recognize it but then also tuning into a what do I want? And what is gonna happen to me if I keep being okay with getting what I don't want? I think that was really powerful. Like seeing how if we continually get what we don't want, we get exhausted, we're worn out, we do get resentful and honestly, you get sick. That's what I see when looking into people's eyes. If you are continually overstretching yourself, it blocks up the energy in the breasts. If you're continually holding back from speaking, the thyroid goes like it's actually a really serious thing. It's not just, oh, just be a polite girl, just be a pleaser and don't rock the boat. That kind of thing.
Kate: Yeah, it'll show up in your body.
Singrid: I used to have super bad skin and my Chinese doctor was like that's anger, suppressed anger, suppressed anger
Kate: Yeah, the red inflammation is boiling out.
Teddi: On the surface, on the surface of the skin. It's like someone's getting under your surface.
Singrid: Well, the thing is, it's all about the story that we tell ourselves with everything. With everything. Like literally. For instance, I always put this example. The fact that I live in Barbara, that's a fact. That I live in a house, that's a fact. That I pay rent, that's a fact. Now, whether my house or rent is cheap or expensive, that's up to me. That's up to my perception of it. Whether my house is well located or not, whether my house is beautiful or recycled, that's all about the story that I tell myself right, so when we understand that we can start reframing a lot of stories. So, if I think that by setting a boundary, I'm prioritizing my needs myself, I'm being selfish, then of course I don't want to go out and set a boundary. Of course, I want to prioritize myself and love myself. Because no one wants to be selfish. No one wants to be something that would be the total. Exactly. But how can we look at it from, actually, if I am feeling super energized and super comfy, live, striving, super happy, healthy, then I can serve more? I can give more of myself to others but if I keep not prioritizing myself, I will want to in the end.
Kate: And also like, I have to go back to what's my intention for having a conversation or even interacting with this other person. It's like, I want to work with you, or I want to make out with you, or I want to do I want to have some sort of thing. So it's like, how do I if that's my intention, okay, I don't have to be so freaked out about how it's gonna go. It's like, we were talking about like sometimes it's just awkward and you're ungrateful and you're like, I don't really know what my tools are here. I don't know the words to really discuss my boundaries. I don't have like, I'm unclear about I don't have the words, but I'm just being honest and I'm expressing that this is my intention. I want to figure it out, but this is how I'm feeling right now. I'm feeling a little bit triggered. I'm feeling like something like a boundary is being crossed, and I want to explore that, and I want to get around that and come to a resolution or just being like, okay, these are options. Like, if you're dealing with someone else that doesn't know their boundaries or they.don't know what they want, so they don't know how to create a boundary for the universe back, it's like, okay. And again, you don't know if you can use those terms because you might, not understand it. You might not understand it. So it's like, okay, these are three ways we can work together. Pick one. And then you're like, fuck, okay, here are three options of boundaries. Pick one, and then at least you're able to respect a boundary, or at least you've given them the choice of creating boundaries. And if they can't do it, then you maybe don't want to work with that.
Teddi: That's something that I find really interesting, is by playing the whole being nice and keeping the peace, we might actually be energetically holding onto a person or a situation that isn't actually where our soul is meant to be meeting. Like, their soul might have meant to have gone somewhere else, but because you're not being in your truth and expressing what's not okay or what you want, then they're still hovering around, whereas if you're like, hey, that's not okay with me. I like to be treated like this. This is how I show up for myself. And these people in my world do this. And if that's not a match for them, then they can easily move on to another space. And that can be like, relationships with guys. Like, if you're like, well, this is how I want it to be. Yeah, totally. Of course. And they're like, oh, well, I'm not cool with that, then that's their boundary. And it's like, well, sweet, we're not a match elsewhere. And then it makes space for the new person to come in. But how would you ever have that space unless you clearly say what you want, right?
Kate: And have to be clear about what you want before going into it, which is so healthy. Like, how many times have you ended up in a situation where you're like, oh, wow, how did I get here? I actually don't know if this is a positive relationship or a positive situation for me to be in whether it's business or romantic or friendship and you're just like feeling taken advantage of where I’m feeling violated in whatever way I and it's like well I wasn't clear I just said yes yeah I want to be like yes to everything, you know sometimes you be like that you're like I’m part I’m very much like' like everyone wants to work with you and you're like thank you, let’s do it, let’s make magic happen, you know and it's exciting but yeah we have to protect the energy feel because otherwise, it's like, it start to suck out
Sigrid: And I think something very important means so to know that you say when you want to be nice to everyone and this is a question that I bring on to every single one of my clients that tend to be people pleasers and all that. Why do you think it's more important to be nice to someone else than main nice to yourself first? Then why do you think that pleasing someone else is more important than pleasing yourself? Yeah. Why meeting someone else's needs or making sure the person that taking someone else's pain taking whatever yeah it's more important or it's important to you even if that means not taking care of yourself, not prioritizing yourself, yeah, like that's something to having consideration…
Teddi: Drop the mic, it's true, it’s really true
Kate: Yeah and I think that is again like the thing that from our conversation earlier that i just really appreciated was getting clear about what the hell you want getting clear about what you need what you want out of this situation so it's like is that a little moment, yeah.
Teddi: She just watched mama me for the first time
Sigrid: And I’m very very inspired.
Kate: Yeah maybe thing along this but yeah it's coming up it's been like hey like even if you're like it looks i need to take a minute because I'm feeling really overwhelmed right now or like triggered you can use that word but sometimes using the word trigger is triggering for other people, I’m trigger that you’re trigger really trigger that you trigger right, I like sugar there it and like that Simson episode, sometimes it's just kind of like
Sigrid: We can be serious people, serious business people, we’re just having a good time. Because if you get a trigger that I go trigger that you get a trigger that I would trigger then and get said you just yeah
Kate: Yeah you can just like whoa I just need to call you back or I need to get walk around the block and like take some deep breath and just like get back to myself, like if back into alignment because right now I think I want this but I might maybe I'm being manipulated or I'm feeling really like pressured I'm feeling like yeah, I like we can feel when there's like when it's not like how like full body yes like we can feel that you know like you're in a conversation and you're like i want to feel great about this but like there's something icky or sticky like you know and
Teddi: Imagine just fully just saying that like just being like my body's like feeling like itchy now yeah and just like getting real curious I'm really open because what like it sounds really funny but what it opens up for that person is like oh I can say when my body not feeling it is well yeah like because then where's like but being back in the body and trusting the body and knows like you know if it trusts something from want goes there like and instead of using the mind me like. Oh I don't know, I don't know where I want to go eat, I'm not sure
Sigrid: I had that experience there something with a friend, she wanted to go to this song and she was like oh this said we haven't seen each other for so long and I said that exact thing to her I said my mind wanted to say yes because I haven't seen you in such a long time but my body just wants to be in bed, so I'm not gonna go, and she was yeah, I love you, but then, she came on I and she was like I love that I’m with Sigrid like no I'm not going and she doesn't tell you why I don't need to apologize…
Teddi: Yes, that’s very important like not to say sorry because it weakens your word which is like weakening yourself in yourself, what do you giving away it's guilt it's, guilt's like and that's a thing like we are yeah everything is started being like that someone's like you do light like no thanks for asking it's okay, I don't need to say sorry to have an explanation, I just know, it’s fine you know need yeah and's just like someone can do that to me and I'm like wait' sick whatever yeah it
Sigrid: Exactly, hundred percent and we communicate with energy so even if we're not aware of it if I'm feeling guilty what I'm giving you it's guilt. So energy is there all the time unspoken it's like scientifically proven that we are some emotions speak so if I'm feeling guilty what do you know it's even if I put the best phase of whatever what do you feel it's this yeah feeling of hello can really sneaky yeah
Kate: And that how beautiful that it all comes back to just tuning into self and what we want and then being like okay i know what i want and i can feel it in my body or i can feel it in my like alignment like that like this this is where like for me like, other people probably have different things that like cause you know, i like to imagine like the dna just being like ah like the sweet spot like the oh spot like, like it right there, i like make a decisions like this, body like this, the soul roughing you know you gotta to find those moment, doing it yeah so like coming back to that so that we have more our request to find first moment yeah or open to invitations yeah but it's like so like we want more relationships more experiences we want all of the staff to feel good like that like so when it doesn't it's so apparent yeah like back in the day i've probably had so many like out of alignment moments but i wasn't super clear about what felt good and what was right and like myself so i was just like yeah cool life it's great but like now that i have a lot of like yes moments the ones that out of alignment feels sticky yeah and so it's like cool how do i deal with that boundaries.
Teddi: Yeah, one of my friends so send me the article you saw that if it's not a fuck yes, it’s a no, so genius yeah whoever wrote that article so good yeah.
Kate: Yeah it's not a fuck yes
Sigrid: and it's about like what do you allow in your life because you're saying the bar right so if I only won fuck yeses in my life, it if not fuck yes, it's a no, that's me saying no to that thing allow us more space for another thing to come yeah fuck yes because I don't compromise myself because I don’t want anything less.
Kate: Yeah less, if you don't set a boundary for like I only have fuck yes then all yeses coming in you're like oh like yeah the mediocre yes yeah you're like got some yes working with yeses
Teddi: Some boring yeses few yeses and there so guilty yeses for perhaps…
Kate: Yeah maybe even some shameful yeses and then you're just not driving
Sigrid: And you did that to yourself
Teddi: Responsibility, let's see gonna have a little squeezy, I'll look at these people that are here, hello, thanks for the thumbs up and the love and for tuning in.
Kate: What is like exercises we could do to like what's an exercise you could do to like practice setting boundaries?
Teddi: Do you want to do the people listening do you want that like would you like a little hot tip like ah an exercise that you could do hot yeah hot tip from a hot chick that could help you with your boundaries like, there’s a yes so it has said yes, yes so is that or is it a fuck yeah yes please start we gotta have fuck yeah hear fuck yeah got all these yet like kind of media so yeses like ah i could like maybe I’ll say yes please them the hell yes we do it got yeah awesome oh blue lotus i love her jewelry amazing it's all sustainable amazing this cool we're getting hates of fuck yeses this is so rad i like it all right so um the hot tip for empowered boundaries should we say one each or like one or like what are we feeling here.
Sigrid: Should mine be okay great go yeah yeah great totally like, in order to make a powerful request once we have sat with what do I need what do I want and why is it important for me why is it so important for me to make sure that boundary that need is meant then let's say it with how can i own this situation, only take full responsibility for it so I have the power to come into my powerful request from an empowered space, but happens a lot of the times we tend to tend to blame and look at what the other person did that trigger us and made us feel uncomfortable that we didn't actually want to do that whatever that is at the moment we get out of our ways to think that someone did something someone says something someone had something whatever that is we are giving our power away we can't make a powerful request if we don't have any power. So in order to make a powerful request for boundaries to be said clearly we need to take that power back. So let me have a look at how am i responsible for this where did i not express myself correctly where did i not draw my boundary earlier and what is the action align action that i can take in order to ensure that this doesn't happen again so from that space, i can then come into a powerf request making so it's the force versus power we want to come from a space of power, power not force in you, so i'm not forcing you to do something i'm not blaming you i'm not giving you the responsibility rather for my space of empowered self, i will communicate to you what i need what i want why is the important for me and then if you want to be around me you will have to meet that boundary because if you overstep it into simply won't be space for us to coexist but i'm not telling you of i'm not telling you what you need to change, i'm not telling you what you should feel or say or do to me i'm simply honoring myself i've got me, so i'm not coming from a space of you do you say you feel no no no, this is what i have come to realize within myself because i asked myself because i made a time for it because i owned it that i need in order to feel, to feel happy, fulfill, inspired, rested, honored, respected, and then i'm just communicating it to you so that is a powerful request because i am not throwing myself or you i'm not blaming you it doesn't feel like i'm going at you rather i'm staying here and from this space of empowerment i'm saying, hey! I can realize that this is what I need in order to feel great yeah you want to coexist in my reality this is what I will need from you.
Teddi: Yeah, so it's like no you made me feel hurt it's just i felt hurt, i need to be included to feel good in this, in this relation exactly how i feel and what I need i never you i think that's one of the things that i learnt from this kind of communication is if i'm having an interaction about boundaries with someone I never say you at all because it is all about me and that's just kind of really changed because it's really easy to be like oh like when you didn't put the dishes away like you're so lazy but like whatever you know it's like just bring you back to art like I need a clean kitchen so that i have heads spaces that i can do work. And it's the energy difference the person doesn't feel attacked yeah which is good.
Kate: You said boundary and then it's like oh okay well I like dirty kitchen yeah and I and then it's like oh maybe we need to think of living arrangement you know it's likes like a more level-headed or balanced conversation then yeah it's like oh my god I didn't realize you didn't like dirty kitchen, I love the dirty kitchen, like I love bugs, I love, cockroaches, yeah so like I'm gonna move out and yeah other people and also love cockroaches…
Teddi: What's your hot tip, Kaye?
Kaye: I mean gosh just it's so refreshing because this is stuff that like I don't think I haven't practiced. I'm new to really learning to say no, practicing saying no and honoring what my needs are because I’ve always just wanted to like please everyone and like make shivering’s happy and feeling good um and it that doesn't work like they're responsible for their own happiness. So that's never gonna work, so for me, I think it's just like taking like slow and down and taking the time to like not rush into anything and not, you know, really taking just taking a deep breath like I said to go from a walk just like really tuning in what do I want from this, you know like people are coming at me with requests and offers and invitations like how exciting and then just like putting it back a bit and just taking some time and checking in and be like that, if I do, great, what is it's supposed to look like so that you can come from a place of power so that there isn't miscommunication so that from the get go, you can be like yeah, I would like to work with you but this is how you know but, or as i do like a clean kitchen so are you down with that can you respect that boundary and if they're like no it's like thank god we saved ourselves a year of living together so I think just like taking the time to tune into what we really need so that we know how to set the boundary.
Teddi: My hot tip is just honest expression no matter what the perceived consequences are going to be and that is because often I could think this is really going to offend someone this could jeopardize a relationship, whatever, and no matter what I stand by like expressing how I’m feeling in that moment and that’s it like that’s all I’m gonna be responsible for it like you said not responsible for their feelings and some things only are meant to be for a certain period of time and so be it.
Kate: And it doesn't matter if it’s awkward as well.
Teddi: No because I’m learning as well, I’m new and I’m like constantly peeling off the layers of programs for women and how they should be and I’m so thankful for all the modalities that I used to be constantly peeling it off and I’m you know, I’m in a raw space as well because I’m constantly going inward and it can be so awkward because I have the whole like, oh my ego head and it’s like kind of almost like a twist inside and it’s like the only thing I can do is actually just show up and express how I’m feeling and rats honest and that’s here like until I’m well practiced in it and I be more graceful in it and I can love and accept myself the whole time doing it.
Kate: And the whole time doing it and also like then you attract people that are legends you know, people that are like thank you for your honesty, yeah, let’s go do that. Wow, I hear you and I feel you so like do we need to set a boundary here, and then you’re like yeah that video. If you’re working with someone who you want to be working with he’ll hear that and respect that and be like wow that you for your honesty, yeah, but if you’re working with an asshole like I can’t handle your honesty by the big fuck, thank God you left.
Teddi: Well, that’s how beautiful chats we wanted to share with the world today so we’re lucky to be able to have the space to have these chats, we want to share them so thanks for joining in. Thanks for saying fuck yeah and enjoy being within your boundaries yeah creating them.
Kate: Respecting yourself
Teddi: All right, bye everyone. Have a beautiful day!
